Secretly, but not so secretly, I'm an introvert.

I may seem outgoing sometimes. I might laugh at everything, make a sarcastic comment, or talk too much. But really, deep down inside, I'm an introvert. Ok, you may be thinking, "Deep down inside? I think you're confusing that with 'outside your comfort zone.'" But no, I just am shy. Always have been. Granted, now I speak up a little bit more, get in someone's face occasionally because "that's not fair", or something like that. But really. I'm just shy. After I speak up, or confront someone, I usually wish I hadn't, because now the attention is on me. I hate when the attention is on me. When I might have done or said something wrong, or because maybe I will do or say something wrong. Or something not necessarily wrong, but different. Weird. I hold such people who immediately categorize someone as "weird" or "normal" in disdain, generally, but the main reason for that is because I'm afraid they will categorize me. I don't want to be weird. I hate being that one person who is not always guaranteed a place in conversation, or a seat next to someone. The person everyone ignores, until they need a favor. I hate being the outsider. Of course, everyone does, so this is not new. But it's hard to make friends, for me. I need them to make the first move. And then if they stick with me, and don't abandon me, and actually take interest in me, I can start to feel safe. This post ended up being different then I thought it would be. I originally was thinking about playing the piano. That's right, and I can sense your eye roll, but just listen. Or read, I guess I should say. I was thinking about playing the piano, and how I don't like playing to silence. I don't like silence. I suppose it comes from living with seven other people. Five of which are younger than I am. So I am used to noise. Not only used to it, but fond of it, actually. Silence is one of the things that scares me the most. Piano recitals, in spite of the fact there is sound issuing from the piano, tend to be horribly silent. It's what makes me the most nervous. I would be much more comfortable if someone was talking. Whispering, even. Or if someone dropped their bag and the contents spilled all over the floor. Actually, that would be embarrassing, but you get my point. Because in that moment, the attention is not all on me. Once you start, and you're playing your song, you can start to forget, and relax a little. The piano has always given me this kind of comfort. And it's not always like that. It's fun, when I'm with friends, showing them a song I really like, and they say how well I can play, but I'm not putting on a grand show for them. And you know, it's not even for them, really. Mostly it's for me. I like showing off something that I've learned and worked hard for to people who care about me, and not necessarily my achievements. My true friends encourage me to work hard and be accomplished, but if I don't, if I fail a test, or made a bunch of mistakes on that song, they don't care. They still love me. Oh gosh, this is a very scatterbrained post, with lots of grammar mistakes I'm too tired to fix, and if you're still reading, I pity you. But I thank you for listening.

Sage